Y’all Won’t Believe This Monkey Business in Yemassee!

Posted November 18th 2024 – Now, picture this: 43 monkeys decide it’s time to break free and see the world on November 6. And you know what caused it? The door was left open! Yessir, it was left flappin’ in the breeze like a Walmart supercenter on Black Friday! Turns out the employee responsible for latching the gates must’ve had a bit of a mind slip and forgot to secure all three of ’em. Next thing you know, the monkeys are running wilder than a squirrel in a pecan tree!

These clever gals – each no bigger than your mama’s house cat – saw their chance and said “See y’all later!” faster than you can say “Pass the peanut butter.” Speaking of which, the ones they’ve caught are living high on the hog with PB&J sandwiches. Talk about Southern hospitality!

So, how did we get to this delightful mess? It seems one of them caregivers, bless her heart, must’ve been daydreamin’ ’bout her high school sweetheart or somethin’, ’cause she forgot to lock the darn gates! Tsk, tsk.—a classic case of “Oops, my bad!” Now I love a good dose of mischief as much as the next Southern gentleman or lady, but can we just acknowledge that leaving three gates unlatched is asking for trouble?

Local authorities weren’t too frazzled about the situation. “Don’t worry, folks, these monkeys pose no risk to public health,” they said. I’d rather have a troop of monkeys wandering through my backyard than any of those pesky squirrels stealing my birdseed! Anyway, they’re basking in the glory of their newfound freedom while munching on those glorious PB&J sandwiches. Honestly, who can say no to that?

There’s a group called “Stop Animal Exploitation Now” that’s raising a ruckus over this. They’ve even sent a letter to the USDA following some unfortunate incidents that happened over the past few years—which I won’t leak here. But let’s just say, one poor little monkey had a bit too much “fun” in a fence, and another nearly got itself wrapped up tighter than a hog at a county fair. Those little rascals may be up to no good sometimes, but still—they deserve some compassion (and unlocked gates).

As of Monday, six little champions are still out there, playing hide-and-seek like they’re auditioning for a Hollywood movie. Plans are in place to round them up—a fancy way of saying they’ll be lured in with more peanut butter and jelly than you’d find at a church potluck. They’ll never see it coming!

In the meantime, if you happen to encounter one of these merry bandits, just stay back and let them have their moment. Besides, the last thing you want is to end up on the local news because you tried to befriend a monkey who just wanted to enjoy a peaceful picnic under the trees.

Stay tuned for more updates on these adventurous monkeys, and who knows, maybe they’ll inspire the next great Southern tale to hit the bayou! Let’s hope they all come home soon—furry little escape artists and all. Until then, onward and upward for the Great South Carolina Monkey Adventure! Keep your snacks close and your gates locked, friends!

Peace, love, and monkey magic,

Dean Burnette